A Modest Proposal for the Culture of LIFE

Maryanna Price

8102 Rhode Island Ave.

College Park, MD 20740

April 1, 2011

Dear Sirs and Madams of the 112th Congress of the United States (and any of you America-hating fascists in the dumbocrat Senate),

It has recently come to my attention that LIFE is an inalienable right to which all people, born and unborn, have a right. This right to LIFE is paramount and should be maintained at any cost, even if it means sacrificing the well-being of already born persons. It means that, in order to preserve LIFE, we should make sure that everyone considers their every action with careful measure, lest they do something that endangers their or another’s LIFE.

That is why I come to you today asking to put forth some new legislation to protect LIFE at all stages, especially as it relates to women making decisions about their LIVES and the LIVES of others. They are outlined below.

1. Compulsory organ donation. Everyday, there are millions of perfectly healthy people walking around with two organs of the same type. This is clearly unacceptable. I’ve heard the argument that women who abort are being selfish and shouldn’t be allowed to, considering how many families there are in want of a child. I haven’t got the statistics any later than 2009, but I’m heartened to hear that each and every one of the 423,773 children who were in foster care were readily adopted by these philanthropists. Considering we need women to give up their uterus’ for the desires of others, it only stands to reason that everyone should be so generous. To that end, I propose a bill that would require all healthy adults over the age of 18 (or under, with parental consent) donate one of each organ that have a duplicate of and that all citizens be required to donate their remaining organs upon death. This will save countless LIVES of people (children, even!) who would have otherwise languished in hospitals untreated.

2. A new bill proposed in Georgia would criminalize some types of miscarriages. This is a great first step! However, we can’t trust women to not spontaneously abort the second they step outside of Georgia’s borders, so I recommend a bill that would codify this sterling piece of legislation into nationwide law. Any woman who miscarries should be directed to the nearest hospital to get a full physical, then questioned by an expert team of politicians and IRS auditors.

3. Protecting the unborn and pre-unborn. All women between the ages of 12 and 48 are to report with their lawful husbands to a clinic before any and all instances of intercourse. In the interest of preserving any potential life, we need to assure that mating takes place in a controlled environment, where it can be observed by scientists. After mating, the man may leave as he pleases, but the woman will, naturally, need to stay for testing and a two-month quarantine. If she has conceived, she’ll remain there for the rest of her pregnancy. Nine months isn’t that long, is it? It’s not as though she would have been doing anything else with that time if she didn’t have kids. Women who fail to conceive will be looked at suspiciously, given a fruit basket and sent home.

4. Personhood for all. Too many people are getting amputations willy-nilly because they’re worried about “gangrene” or think they can’t handle living with a crushed hand. I’m here today to tell you that that’s a bold-faced lie. Here are people who just refuse to suck it up and take responsibility for their new lot in life. Therefore, I stand up and demand that all are given personhood. No more will helpless legs and arms be tossed into the trash by these heartless monsters.

5. Voting rights for all. I used to be blind to how SCIENCE actually works. Fooled by my Evolutionist upbringing, I actually thought that there were stages of development, from zygote, to embryo, to fetus, to infant, to toddler, to child, to preadolescent, to adolescent and so on. I now know that over 9,000,000,000,000 CHILDREN are aborted every day in the United States alone and we need to protect them. The only way to do this is to assure that everyone has a voice in politics. Since these age labels are just propaganda to convince women to kill their CHILDREN and that there is no developmental difference whatsoever between a zygote and a seven year-old, it only stands to reason that a seven year-old is equal to a person in their mid-thirties. It’s a baby, not a toaster! There isn’t some magical day when we all the sudden become smart enough to think about political candidates. I won’t stand by idly while children are systematically stripped of their rights. Children from birth should be given the right to vote. I’m unaware if the technology exists to poll the unborn, but it should be a top priority of our nation to develop it.

6. Eliminate birthdays. Too long have we ignored the halcyon memories of the first nine months of our lives. No longer will we crassly skip past our formative period, distracted by the saccharine fog of friendship, Pooh Bear cakes and clowns. All records should be bumped back approximately nine months to show the true ages of each and every human in our fine nation. To that end, we must also have Conception Certificates and Birth Certificates, lest anyone try to usurp any position of standing in our nation. No longer will children be forced to ignore their innocent memories just because a bunch of pro-abort feminazis want the right to kill their CHILDREN. With conception days, we effectively do two things: 1) We remove the central role on the mother. Giving birth? Whatever. This is about your CHILD, not you. The Me Culture has gone too far in ignoring our children. 2) Allow us all, in a tender way, to access those memories again, of a safer time when we were all still innocent. It will take several generations for us to overcome the prohibition on TRUTH that this nation has hammered into our heads, but with enough time and support from our local communities, we’ll all be able to remember the whole of our lives, instead of just starting with birth. I hope to elevate each and every trimester to the same glowing position in which we revere our crisp memories of our first and second birthdays.

7. Viagra, breast implants and plastic surgery will no longer be covered by insurances and those that do will require a special account and an extra check to pay for. These are unnatural tinkerings with the LORD GOD’s work and it is a sleight against LIFE itself to think that we  should tamper with his design. LIFE is precious and should remain unadulterated in any way. To this end, I also implore my esteemed representatives to make legislation against all things that are unnatural to LIFE, including (but not limited to) pain killers, hair cuts, all medicine not ground from plants, lipstick, cars, airplanes, televisions and clothing not made of animal pelts.

8. A constitutional amendment to demand responsibility. Women are having sex and aborting their babies the next day because they don’t want to take responsibility in their lives. That is why I demand a law against being irresponsible and all associated laws. The good, GOD-fearing people of the U.S. have already dodged a bullet in paying for abortions, thanks to the 112th Congress stripping Unplanned Parenthood of its trillions of dollars of tax-payer money. However, this is simply not enough. I do not want to be caught paying for other people’s mistakes. Hospitals should refuse to treat obese people who have resultant diabetes or heart conditions. No more should the truly responsible Americans have to pay for an ambulance trip for Speedy Gonzales (whose papers have yet to surface): to that end, no one who has an auto accident while going more than the speed limit will be helped. Federal assistance of all sorts should be cut (though you are working very, very hard on that and I do appreciate it, ladies and gentlemen of the Congress) in its entirety, including Social Security and Medicare. What business do those people have living in the lap of luxury when they didn’t plan for their later years?

9. Eliminate tax-payer funding for everything. In deference to the 8th piece of legislation proposed, we the people demand that taxes end immediately. I won’t pay for roads that MUSLIMS want to drive over the speed limit on. Why should it be my concern if a smoker’s house burns down? We need responsibility in all things. Even the military will have to be privatized, because I have it on good authority that the privates are sometimes less than responsible in key areas, such as weapons management and brushing their teeth after meals. If this nation is ever going to climb out of this PC mire, we need to start teaching responsibility, instead of letting everyone live on handouts.

10. Edit the Bible to take out the pro-choice parts. I had been at a loss of how to deal with this, until you fine folks read the Constitution and left out the ugly parts that dealt with slavery. It was a bad time in the U.S., but we’ve moved past that now and don’t want anyone to remember our shame. I believe the LORD GOD may have had a similar episode, as it has come to my attention that the Bible is overwhelmingly pro-choice. There are several passages that refer to life as beginning with ‘first breath (Genesis 2:7, Job 33:4, Ezekiel 37:5&6),’ with fetuses being worth less than born children, both monetarily and in the eyes of the LORD (Exodus 21:22, Genesis 38:24, Leviticus 27:6, Numbers 3:15, Numbers 31:17-18, Psalms 137:8), GOD using abortion as a means of testing fidelity or punishment (Numbers 5:12-31, Hosea 9:11-14, Exodus 11:4-5 and 12:29) and with GOD showing particular attention to one fetus or subset of fetuses, but not extending it to any others (Jeremiah 1:4-5, 1 Corinthians 14:34, Ephesians 5:21-27, 1 Timothy 2:9-15), among others. We need to make sure that these parts of the Bible are swept under the rug to save GOD’s shame, the same way you wonderful folks were able to keep up the good names of our FOUNDING FATHERS.

To that end, I send you this letter, ladies and gentlemen of the 112th Congress of these United States. I think you’ll find that my demands are not unreasonable and are representative of the constituencies who elected you. I thank you for your time and ask that you carry this legislation forth.

Most sincerely yours,

Maryanna Price


2 responses to “A Modest Proposal for the Culture of LIFE

  1. Pingback: April Foolery | Planting Myself

  2. Kaliane Moloch April 15, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Ha, I love this post! I specifically liked the point about the Bible. I don’t know where all these Christians get off saying abortion is against God…God seems to think otherwise, lol.

    I also liked the point about disregarding age. Giving a zygote the rights of a ‘baby’ is like giving a 3 year old the right to vote…

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